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Where Every Cap Tells a Story.
A tale of Europeans showing up uninvited, taking everything, and calling it "civilizing the world"
🧠 Narrated by Ned Neuron, part-time historian, full-time conspiracy-by-cornbread theorist
“Colonialism is like your neighbor breaking into your house, eating your food, and then sending you a bill for the favor.”
– Ned Neuron, after reading exactly one history book
🚢 Once Upon a Time, People Couldn’t Just Stay Home
Picture this:
Europeans in the 1400s sitting around being bored, slightly broke, and hearing rumors of gold, spices, and other people’s stuff just lying around somewhere else.
Instead of minding their own business, they did what every overconfident drunk uncle does:
“Pack the ship, Carl. We’re going on a world tour!”
Except this wasn’t a party cruise — it was the beginning of centuries of domination, exploitation, and extremely questionable maps.
💰 “Discovery” Was Just Fancy Theft
Columbus didn’t discover America — he found a place where millions already lived, then claimed it for people who had never heard of showers.
This pattern happened EVERYWHERE:
Europeans show up
Plant a flag
Call the locals savages
Take all the shiny stuff
Build forts, churches, and government buildings while locals do the actual work
In other words:
“Nice place you got here. Mind if we own it now?”
🔥 “Civilizing Mission” Was Just a Marketing Pitch
Colonizers told themselves (and the world) that they were:
Bringing “civilization” (newsflash: there were already thriving civilizations)
Saving souls (while sometimes burning people at the stake)
Bringing technology (sure… also disease, slavery, and arbitrary borders)
It’s like someone showing up at your dinner party, smashing your plates, and saying:
“You’re welcome, I’m modernizing you.”
🗺️ Borders Drawn With the World’s Worst Crayon
One of colonialism’s most lasting horrors: borders.
Europeans loved drawing lines on maps like toddlers with sugar highs.
These lines:
Ignored ethnic groups
Split up kingdoms and communities
Forced rival groups into one “country”
Created conflicts that still rage today
Basically, colonial mapmakers were like:
“What if we drew a line… right here? Boom. New country.”
💣 Let’s Talk The Loot
Colonial powers got super rich by:
Exploiting natural resources (gold, oil, rubber, ivory, you name it)
Forcing local labor (sometimes literal slavery)
Exporting raw materials to Europe while blocking local industry growth
It was the original corporate heist — and it built fancy European cities on the backs of colonies.
Meanwhile, colonies were left with broken economies, looted treasures, and trauma that lasted generations.
📚 But Wait, There’s More: The Lies They Taught Us
In school, you might have learned that colonialism:
Brought education and medicine
Built roads and railways
Introduced “modern government”
What they didn’t say was:
Schools mostly trained locals to be obedient workers
Railways shipped out resources (not for the local people)
Governments were structured to benefit the colonizers
It’s like burning down someone’s house, then claiming credit for the new tent you left in the yard.
🤬 And We’re Still Dealing With It
The chaos colonialism caused didn’t vanish. Modern issues like:
Border conflicts
Economic instability
Corruption (fueled by colonial divide-and-conquer tactics)
Debt traps set up before independence
All of it traces back to that moment when Europeans were like,
“Hmm… free land. Mine now.”
🧠 Ned’s Angry Yawn Summary
Colonialism wasn’t exploration. It was exploitation.
The consequences still haunt the world.
Borders, wars, wealth gaps? A lot of that is colonial leftovers.
Next time someone brags about colonial “achievements,” hand them a book and a strongly-worded glare.
Got someone who still thinks colonialism was about tea parties and infrastructure?
👉 Forward this. Tell them to bring snacks. We’re tearing up that fake history book.
Where history gets messy, jokes get spicy, and Ned Neuron turns every empire into an embarrassing family reunion story.
Because the past doesn’t get less dumb just because it’s in a textbook.