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🧠 Narrated by Ned Neuron, certified myth destroyer and accidental time traveler
“Columbus discovering America is like me walking into a Taco Bell and yelling, ‘I have found India!’”
– Ned Neuron
👶 First off, the Lie We All Learned in School
Say it with me:
“In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue…”
Aww.
Adorable.
Rhymes like a bedtime story.
Historically accurate as a potato driving a spaceship.
Because here’s the truth:
Columbus did not discover America.
And he definitely didn’t invent it.
The guy couldn’t even find the right continent.
🧭 Columbus Never Touched U.S. Soil
He didn’t land in New York.
Not Florida.
Not even a Dunkin’ in Delaware.
Columbus landed in the Caribbean — specifically the Bahamas, then hit up Cuba and Hispaniola (that’s modern-day Haiti & the DR).
Basically:
He discovered vacation spots… not a country.
He was closer to booking a cruise than founding a nation.
🗺️ And He Thought It Was… India?
Bro.
He thought he had landed in Asia.
And he doubled down like a guy who took the wrong exit and insists “this is the scenic route.”
He called the locals “Indians” (still a problem to this day)
and died believing he was only a short walk from the spice aisle at a medieval Costco.
🛶 “Discovery?” You Mean… Crashing Someone Else’s House Party?
Let’s get one thing straight:
Millions of people already lived here.
MILLIONS.
With complex civilizations, cities, government systems, calendars, art, science, astronomy, agriculture—
Literally thriving while Columbus was still arguing with sailors about sea monsters.
So let me ask you:
How do you “discover” something that’s already full of people who’ve lived there for THOUSANDS of years?
You don’t.
You just show up, get confused, and call it yours.
That’s not exploration.
That’s accidental trespassing with colonial confidence.
It’s like busting into someone’s fully decorated living room, kicking over their lamp, and yelling:
“I have discovered this IKEA!”
Columbus didn’t discover America.
He just pulled off the worst housewarming surprise in history.
⚔️ And Guess What? The Vikings Beat Him By 500 Years
Yep.
Leif Erikson, Viking supreme and owner of the angriest beard in Norse history,
landed in Vinland (a.k.a. Canada) around the year 1000.
So not only was Columbus late…
He wasn’t even first among Europeans.
It’s like showing up to a costume party five hours late in a pirate outfit
after someone already showed up as the actual pirate.
🏛️ So Why Do Textbooks Still Say He Discovered America?
One word: Marketing.
In the late 1800s, America wanted a dramatic origin story.
And Columbus?
He was bold, European, had a boat, and came with built-in rhymes.
They gave him statues. A holiday. Whole cities.
Meanwhile, actual Native civilizations?
Got turned into one-sentence side quests.
"Meanwhile, the locals were there, moving on..."
Yeah, no. We’re not moving on.
🧠 Ned’s Official “Columbus Energy” Checklist:
❌ Did NOT discover America
❌ Never set foot in the U.S.
❌ Thought he was in India
❌ Ignored millions of people already here
✅ Somehow got a federal holiday and statues
🌀 Bonus: Caused centuries of colonization and historical gaslighting
Honestly, the man had the vibes of a tourist who asks to speak to the manager of a country.
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Because Columbus didn’t discover America.
But YOU just discovered a newsletter that tells the truth louder than a Viking with a drum set.
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