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A Ned Neuron Investigation into America’s Most Patriotic Faceplant
"You can’t spell ‘U.S.A.’ without ‘Oops.’"
— Ned Neuron, while aggressively pointing at a sandwich
🎬 Scene: 1837
Location: Border of Canada and the U.S.
Vibe: Cold. Confused. Mildly flammable.
Canada’s having a rebellious moment.
They’re like, “Hey Britain, you’re not my real dad!”
Britain, being Britain, responds by kicking down the door and throwing tea at people (probably).
Meanwhile, across the border in America:
🇺🇸 “Should we get involved?”
🤔 “Are we allowed?”
💥 “WHO CARES, LET’S BRING A STEAMBOAT.”
🚢 Enter the S.S. Caroline
This little boat was helping the rebels by delivering supplies across the Niagara River.
So the British do what British empires do best:
They light it on fire and push it over Niagara Falls.
Yes!!! They yeeted a flaming steamboat off a waterfall like it was Revolution: The Theme Park Ride.
🎺 America’s Response:
“You torched a boat near us that wasn’t really ours…
SOUNDS LIKE WAR!”
Volunteers from New York assemble a militia made up of:
Angry farmers
A guy who once watched Hamilton
And three dudes named Hank, statistically speaking
They grab weapons, maps, and a LOT of enthusiasm.
Unfortunately…
Not one of them grabs a functional sense of direction.
🗺️ The Mission:
March to Navy Island.
Help Canadian rebels.
Be heroes.
Get medals.
Tell grandkids.
What Actually Happened:
They stormed…
Wells Island.
Which is in… New York.
THEY INVADED THEIR OWN COUNTRY.
[Ned slaps forehead sound]
BOINK
Picture it:
They march in, yelling battle cries like “FREEDOM!” and “THIS IS FOR THE BOAT!”
And the townspeople are like:
“…Dave? Why are you aiming a musket at your own barn?”
🧠 Military Strategy Highlights:
Step 1: Get angry
Step 2: Get lost
Step 3: Shoot at familiar landmarks
Step 4: Realize you’re fighting Larry from the feed store
🕵️♂️ Ned’s Historical Summary:
“In 1837, the U.S. attempted to liberate Canada.
They bravely stormed a small island.
That island was… themselves.”
They accidentally started a war against their own zip code.
🎖️ Casualties:
Zero Canadians
One very confused post office
A cow named Muffin, emotionally scarred for life
🧠 Ned’s Closing Thought:
Every country has its oopsie moment.
France had Napoleon.
Rome had Caligula.
America?
We invaded ourselves.
Twice if you count Black Friday at Walmart.
💌 Thanks for reading, brave citizen!
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