In partnership with
“It’s not you, it’s Mao.”
🧠 Brought to you by Ned Neuron, who once broke up with his toaster because it burned his toast and his feelings.
💔 A Love Story with Bayonets
Once upon a war-torn mess, China was already falling apart like a cheap IKEA cabinet.
Enter two chaotic roommates:
Chiang Kai-shek, leader of the Nationalists, stylish, dramatic, emotionally unavailable
Mao Zedong, leader of the Communists, brooding, revolutionary, probably wrote sad poetry about tractors
They were supposed to share the apartment (China) peacefully.
Spoiler: they did NOT.
Then Japan kicked down the door and both dudes screamed,
“Bro, team up! Temporarily!”
🍜 The “We’re Just Friends (With Bayonets)” Phase
From 1937–1945, Chiang and Mao teamed up to fight the Japanese.
Kind of.
They mostly glared at each other over steaming bowls of noodles and passive-aggressively “lost” each other’s troops in the jungle.
When Japan surrendered in 1945, Mao said:
“Welp, back to hating you.”
Chiang said:
“Same.”
And the Civil War reboot was ON.
🎬 Civil War II: Communist Boogaloo
While Chiang was busy holding awkward press conferences, Mao went full countryside-core:
Promised land to farmers
Sang revolutionary jingles
Grew a beard of credibility
Meanwhile, Chiang kept:
Raising taxes
Losing battles
Getting ghosted by his own generals
It was like watching someone bring a spreadsheet to a dance battle.
By 1949, Mao had yeeted the Nationalists all the way off the mainland.
🏝️ "I’m Taking My Democracy and Moving to Taiwan"
Chiang grabbed:
His troops
A bunch of gold
His emotional trauma
And moved to Taiwan like a dramatic ex storming off to the guest house.
He looked back at China and screamed:
“I’M the real China!”
To which Mao replied,
“You literally took the couch cushions, bro.”
🌏 And the World Said: “Uhhh…”
Now we’ve got two Chinas:
People’s Republic of China (PRC): Mao’s big red communist machine
Republic of China (ROC): Taiwan, now with extra democracy and bubble tea
And both screamed,
“We’re the REAL China.”
Imagine your divorced parents both claiming to be the original parent and suing each other over the rights to your birthday party.
The world awkwardly picked sides like:
U.S.: “We’re with Taiwan.”
USSR: “Mao’s our bro.”
Ned Neuron: “Can I just have dumplings and leave?”
Ned’s Big Dumb Timeline 📜
1945: Japan says “peace out.” Mao and Chiang say, “Time to fight!”
1949: Chiang loses and flees to Taiwan with his stuff and salty attitude
1949+: Mao declares “NEW CHINA, WHO DIS?”
1950s: Ned tries to send them matching friendship bracelets. They’re returned… in pieces.
Did They Talk After the Breakup?
Nope.
Just:
Spying 👀
Screaming into microphones 🎤
Occasional threats of war 😬
And one VERY awkward moment at the UN dance in 1971, where Taiwan got booted from the party
Meanwhile, both sides still claim:
“We’re the original China.”
It’s like if Spider-Man sued the other Spider-Man for copyright.
Historical Red Flags 🚩
Taiwan: “We’re democratic!”
China: “You’re not even real.”
UN: “Sorry Taiwan, we’re going with the bigger guy.”
Ned: “Can we just not trigger WWIII before lunch?”
What’s Next?
Next week, we dive into:
“Part 2: Awkward Silence and Missile Tests”
Where things heat up, the Cold War makes it colder, and someone accidentally invents nuclear shade.
You know the one.
Writes long paragraphs. Sends letters. Fakes a new identity.
Probably also thinks Taiwan is just a “spicy city in China.”
👉 Hit them with this. Let the awkward truth bombs fly.
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