WHO CREATED THE FIRST WATCH...

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Alright. Riddle me this, temporal traveler:

If someone made the very first watch,
How the heck did they know what time to set it to?

Did they just… guess?

Spin the little hands like a carnival wheel and go, “Yep. It’s definitely 3:17 PM now. I can feel it in my elbows.”

No. That’s not science. That’s witchcraft.

So naturally, I—Professor Ned Neuron, semi-certified brain-in-a-lab-coat—decided to investigate. And by investigate, I mean scream at sundials and accuse clouds of hiding the truth.

Let’s rewind the clock (badum-tss) and dive in.

CHAPTER 1: HUMANS INVENTED TIME TO STRESS THEMSELVES OUT

Once upon a prehistoric Tuesday (probably), humans looked at the sun and said:

They used shadows to tell when to eat, nap, or yell at mammoths. This gave us the sundial, aka:
A rock that judges you based on where your shadow falls.

But sundials had problems:

• Don’t work at night.

• Don’t work indoors.

• Don’t work when Carl from the village leans on it drunk and yells “TIME IS A LIE.”

CHAPTER 2: THE FIRST WATCH WAS A LIE… WITH GEARS

Fast-forward to the 1500s.

Some overachieving metal nerd builds the first mechanical clock. Probably named something serious like Bartholomew Timepants III.

But here’s the kicker:
They STILL didn’t know the exact time.

Why?

Because timezones weren’t even real yet.
Every village had their own noon. One town’s lunchtime was another’s bedtime spaghetti fight.

So when Mr. Watchman made his first device, he likely did this:

1. Looked at the sun.

2. Squinted real hard.

3. Said, “Seems noon-ish.”

4. Built an empire based on “noon-ish.”

That’s the same energy as setting your microwave clock based on vibes.

CHAPTER 3: NED’S THEORIES (UNPROVEN AND LOUD)

Here are a few theories I screamed into the void:

Theory A: Time Chicken

The first watchmaker had a chicken trained to cluck every hour. They built the watch to match the clucks.
Downsides: chicken moved to a different timezone.

Theory B: Hourglass Gaslighting

He flipped an hourglass, counted how long it felt, and said “That’s an hour now.”
Nobody argued because they were too polite or confused.

Theory C: Accidental Time Travel

The first watchmaker accidentally bent space-time and asked himself what time it was in the future.
Future-him said, “It’s 3:17.”
Present-him made the watch.
Boom. Paradox secured.

CHAPTER 4: MODERN TIME IS STILL FAKE

We now have atomic clocks—the super precise kind that scream “You’re late” on a quantum level.

But guess what?

Even atomic clocks were once synced to the sun. And the sun is just a big flaming gasball on its own chaotic schedule.

So yes, time is a social construct. But we wear it on our wrists because anxiety loves accessories.

CHAPTER 5: NED’S INVENTION – THE “WHEN-O-MATIC”

After two weeks in the lab and one unfortunate explosion, I invented the WHEN-O-MATIC™

A watch powered by vibes and screaming.

• It doesn’t tick—it hums.

• It doesn’t show the hour—it shows your emotional state.

• Instead of alarms, it yells, “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!”

Currently banned in 3 countries for being too accurate.

FINAL THOUGHTS OF NED NEURON:

Time is weird.
Watches are weirder.
And whoever made the first one was probably just trying to show off to a crush.

But hey—if you ever feel lost in time, just remember:

Share this with your most time-confused friend.
Or the one who’s always late but insists, “I’m running on emotional timezone.”

And if you liked this brain rant, go ahead and subscribe to Ned Neuron’s Mad Science Memoirs—where the nonsense never sleeps (because it doesn’t know what time it is).

Thanks for surviving this time-bending nonsense.

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⚡ Brought to you by Ned Neuron’s sleepless brain.

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