Hello, fellow time travelers,
Ned Neuron here — your personal guide through history’s most confusing corporate rebrands.
Today’s story starts with a number.
A beautiful, innocent number.
Seven.
Now look at this word:
September
Looks friendly.
Looks honest.
Looks like it means seven.
But then you check the calendar.
And September is… the ninth month.
🤨
So either:
Math is fake
Or Rome committed fraud
Let’s investigate.
🧠 The Romans Actually Had Their Life Together (Briefly)
Long ago, in ancient Rome, the year started in March.
Why March?
Because:
Winter was useless
War season started
Mars (god of war) was hot
And nobody cared about January
So their months went like this:
Roman Month | Meaning |
|---|---|
March | Month 1 |
April | Month 2 |
May | Month 3 |
June | Month 4 |
Quintilis | Five |
Sextilis | Six |
September | Seven |
October | Eight |
November | Nine |
December | Ten |
Everything was PERFECT.
No confusion.
No lies.
No corporate branding.
Just numbers doing number things.
🧊 Rome Looked At Winter And Said “Oh No, Not You Again”
Then some Roman king (Numa) realized:
“Hey… winter exists. That’s awkward.”
So they added two new months:
January
February
But instead of renaming anything like responsible adults…
They just shoved them at the front of the year like junk mail.
So now the year became:
January → February → March → … → December
Which pushed all the numbered months two spaces forward.
So now:
September (Seven) became month 9
October (Eight) became month 10
November (Nine) became month 11
December (Ten) became month 12
The months are now permanently off by two.
The calendar is literally misaligned.
This is like moving houses but keeping the old mailbox number.
👑 Julius Caesar Ruined Everything (Again)
Originally we had:
Quintilis = “five”
Sextilis = “six”
Then Julius Caesar went:
“Rename Quintilis to July.
I’m hot.”
Then Augustus said:
“Rename Sextilis to August.
I’m hotter.”
So now the calendar had:
Two ego months
Four months that think they’re still numbers
Zero accountability
It’s like if Elon Musk renamed Wednesday after himself and we all just accepted it.
🧨 Why Didn’t Anyone Fix This?
Because by the time people noticed, the calendar was:
In contracts
In farming schedules
In holidays
In every church
In every government
Renaming the months would’ve been like trying to rename Monday today.
Everyone just went:
“Yeah it’s wrong.
But I already booked a dentist appointment.”
So we kept it.
🧠 So What Is September?
It’s not stupid.
It’s not confused.
It’s a survivor of an ancient calendar war.
It still thinks it’s month seven.
Because once upon a time…
It was.
🙏 Thanks for reading!
Seriously — thanks for letting me invade your inbox with chaotic history facts and aggressively unnecessary jokes.
You’re officially part of the
GiiggleGuru Brain Trust™
(where we learn weird stuff and emotionally bully the Roman Empire).
Until next time,
Ned Neuron 🧠