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Ahoy, Land-Dwellers!
It’s your favorite lab-coated lunatic, Ned Neuron, and today I’ve got one question rattling around in my overly-caffeinated brain:
Why is the ocean salty?
Like seriously—who spilled their salt shaker into the Atlantic? Was it Poseidon during a tantrum? Did whales just cry too hard?
Let’s dive in. Literally. But not really. I forgot my floaties.
Ned’s Totally Real Sea Adventure (Probably)
It all started when I tried to make spaghetti with ocean water.
Because I’m efficient.
And lazy.
And forgot to buy salt.
But when I took a sip of seawater (for science, obviously), my tastebuds slapped me and filed a formal complaint. It was disgustingly salty. Like licking a sweaty rock dipped in soy sauce.
So I did what any responsible scientist would do:
I stole a submarine.
(It was a pool float shaped like a shark. But still.)
The Salty Truth (With a Dash of Nonsense)
As I bravely paddled into the sea with a pool noodle and 3 stale granola bars, I had time to think. And scream. And research.
Here’s what I found:
1. It’s All the Rivers’ Fault
Rain hits the land → Water flows through rocks and soil → Picks up minerals, including salt (sodium + chloride) → Ends up in the ocean.
Over millions of years, that adds up to... a LOT of salt.
It’s basically Earth’s way of seasoning its soup.
2. The Ocean Doesn’t Have a Drain
Unlike your sad bathtub, the ocean doesn’t get emptied and refilled.
So when water evaporates, the salt stays behind—making it saltier and sassier over time.
3. Underwater Volcanoes Are Sneaky Spice Dispensers
You know how normal volcanoes go BOOM and fling lava everywhere like a toddler with spaghetti?
Well, underwater volcanoes do the same thing—except they’re underwater, sneakier, and much saltier (literally and emotionally).
Here’s What Happens:
They erupt under the ocean floor, usually along mid-ocean ridges (giant underwater mountain chains).
Instead of lava splashing out like on land, these volcanoes heat up the seawater around them to absurd temperatures—like “boil-an-egg-on-a-magma-rock” hot.
That superheated water seeps into the cracks of the Earth’s crust, dissolving minerals from the surrounding rocks.
Then it shoots back out through little chimney-like vents called hydrothermal vents, carrying a spicy mineral cocktail.
All those minerals mix into the ocean, boosting its saltiness over millions of years. It’s like Earth’s way of making soup stock... slowly... and without a recipe.
So... Is It Drinkable?
Yes.
If you're a camel made of metal.
For humans? Nope. The salt content would dehydrate you faster than a text from your ex.
(Spoiler: You're better off drinking your own tears. Which—fun fact—are also salty. Thanks, biology!)
Quote of the Day
“They told me not to drink ocean water. I told them I was making soup. We both regretted it.”
— Ned Neuron, still thirsty
Cliffhanger Ending
But here’s the real question no one's answering…
If the ocean is salty—what about the fish?
Do they like it?
Do they drink it?
Can fish get thirsty??
Find out next week when I possibly interview a dolphin and definitely get slapped by a tuna.
Thanks for reading, you absolute legend.
If your brain didn’t grow at least one new wrinkle today, don’t worry—next issue, we’ll give it a full-on salty facelift.
Until next time,
Ned Neuron
Resident Explainer of Things You Never Asked For
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