Rank: Questionable
Branch: Department of Misinformation and Sandwich Acquisition
Specialty: Losing wars, dodging responsibility, and giving PowerPoint presentations that end with explosions

🧔🏻 Bio:
I’m General Bartholomew “Boom Boom” Goofball—retired (unintentionally), decorated (by myself), and proudly undefeated in losing.

With over 30 years of accidental battlefield strategy, I’ve led troops into situations they definitely weren’t trained for. I once mistook a wedding party for a war zone and gave a speech about freedom over the dessert table.

💼 Career Highlights:

• Invented the military strategy “Bomb now, Google later”

• Mistakenly invaded a paintball field in ’83 (still won tho)

• Gave a TED Talk titled “Oops: Tactical Blunders and You”

• Got promoted for heroically eating a landmine-shaped meatloaf

🎖️ Awards I Definitely Didn’t Make Up:

• The Purple Neck Cramp (for sleeping through a briefing)

• The Medal of Mild Panic

• Best War Exit Strategy – Saigon 1975

• Employee of the Month (only employee, but still counts)

📣 Personal Motto:
"If we don’t know what we’re doing, the enemy won’t either."

🏠 Currently Residing:
GiiggleGuru Academy – Room B-12, next to the exploding locker

📞 Contact:
Probably lost my phone in the jungle again. Try yelling.